Depression...

Ya'll (I don't even use that word normally)....depression is real!  And it's HARD!

I'm struggling!  I have been for awhile now.  Even on meds, I'm still not my norm.

I'm not suicidal!  Don't worry about that!  I'm just off...

Lazy.  Unmotivated.  The struggle is real!

It doesn't help that you want to be involved in certain people's lives...and you have someone who it seems doesn't want you to have any part of it!  😞  (That's a blog for another day)

Some days it's me, just fine.  Other days it's laying on the sofa and no motivation to even move. 



This is me today.  I did my hours at work...and had enough work to probably stay all night.  But I'm home, on the couch.   Work has been stressful and busy.  Life just seems overly chaotic.  All I want to do is vanish into the background.  I don't want to talk to or be seen by anyone.


My blog is really the only place I get super candid about me and my life.  Few read it....and I feel like it's my only outlet sometimes (other than the hubs).  I truly don't even care who reads it...I just don't "share" that it's there.  I used to, but I honestly don't like confrontation, and I tell me here.  I don't want to be judged or criticized or someone try to "convert" how I think.  So today, I'm candid with how I'm feeling and how hard it is. 

If you struggle with depression, I understand!  I'm also an open ear!  I truthfully don't know who to talk to anymore.  I don't feel like any of my 'friends' get me.  Family got in the way.  Life happened.  And I don't get to "go out" or "hang out" with people.  I really just want to cry...but it makes my throat hurt, so I try to avoid it. 

If you're reading... thanks for sticking it through till the end.  That means a lot actually! 💙

Sleep

Most of us have experienced nights with no sleep. 

Some of us have experienced MANY nights with little to no sleep.

Then there's me!  I thought I was sleeping! I mean how is that even possible?  I go to bed.  Sometimes I get up a time or two or four.... but I was sleeping.

Then, I'd want to sleep ALL. THE. TIME.

At work.  At home.  In the car.  It didn't matter where I was. 

Then my doctor suggested a sleep study.  I thought he was silly.  It's such an expensive test, and I was sleeping.  My husband never heard me quit breathing.  So why?

But I complied.

The night of the test, I had to be at the hospital at 7:15 p.m.  I certainly don't go to bed that early, so I was wondering how long it really took to get me checked in and ready for this test.

I was in for a surprise!  It took quite some time to get me ready for bed. 

The amount of wires stuck to my body....  OH. MY.

After getting me all hooked, I just watched tv until I was ready to attempt to go to sleep.

By the way....I expected a hospital room.  Nope, nada, not happening!  I had a tiny room with a twin bed, a chair, and a table for their machine.  The tv was mounted to the wall at the foot of the bed.  There was a small lamp atop the table.  That's it!  Nothing else.  No bathroom in the room!  I had to walk into a common area to use the restroom!  😱  In my night clothes!  WHAT!

So at about 10:00 p.m., I decided I was ready to try and sleep.

Doesn't this look like sleeping gear to you?? 

TV off.  Laying in bed.  Wondering what exactly I got myself into.

There's sticky in my hair.  My hair is in my face!  I have weird things
in my nose!  What is this?

It took nearly an hour to fall asleep! 

At 12:55 a.m. I get a wake up.  The sleep lab tech tells me that I have stopped breathing enough that they are putting me on a cpap machine right away.  As if I really needed any more equipment on me!

He takes off a few of my wires!  Sweet!  And gets me equipped with a mask for the cpap.  Then I fall asleep.  I don't remember much after that....except I had to readjust when the mask would start making weird sounds (because it would "leak"). 

The tech came in a time or two in the night to fix wires I yanked off in my sleep.  Then they woke me at 6:00ish. 

Not near enough sleep for this girl!!

The tech did tell me he came in at one point to tighten my mask, and he tried to wake me.  But I didn't wake!  I never heard him!  lol!  They get me all unhooked and tell me to go home and I'll hear from someone in 7-10 days about getting my cpap machine.

😨  Say what!! 

I was bad enough that you hooked me up to one after 2 hours...but I have to wait another week to get my own!

So I wait.  Then finally a little over a week later, I get the call that I can go pick up my machine.  YES!  I meet with the respiratory therapist to get all the deets about how to use it and take care of it.

Then she tells me my sleep study results.

When a person quits breathing 40 times in one hour, it is considered extreme!  I quit breathing 140 times per hour!  😨😱  Seriously!  That's about every 25 seconds!

It's no wonder I was tired all the time!  

Now, I'm equipped with a cpap at home and I find myself still somewhat adjusting to sleeping with a weird mask on.  Although I sleep SO. MUCH. BETTER.  I'm still tired some, but no naps at lunch for this girl anymore! 

And my husband says I'm not snoring anymore!  WHAT! 

I recommend the awful sleep study if you think there might be a problem!  As I am a new person! 

Don't give up hope

I'm sitting here today...and all I feel is sadness, defeat, and confusion.

I'm tired of people telling me (or posting on facebook) the following:

• Get over it!
• Deal with it!
• Now you know how I've felt the last 8 years!
• He is your President!

I'm sad.  I feel like I (as well as the whole country) have let down a whole generation.  Our country has proved that you don't have to treat people with respect.  You can mock those who are different. Bullying is okay.

Even though....we've been telling them these things aren't okay!  AND THEY'RE NOT!!!

I VERY, very rarely post any political thoughts on facebook.  I mostly try to stay out of arguments (even though I did engage a couple people recently).  And I don't EVER belittle anyone for thinking differently than me.  It's not me.  And it's also not right.

Unfortunately, everyone doesn't think that way.  They have been empowered to tell me (and people that think like me) that I'm (they're) wrong.  That I think wrong.

I use my blog as my source of venting.  It is public (as you know if you're reading this), but I don't share my posts publicly any more.  I try to avoid the criticism from those who do think differently.  So if you're reading and you want to post hate, please move on!  I have no time or energy to engage with you.  If you want to share your thoughts or beliefs in a respectful manner, you are welcome to do so....regardless if you think differently than me.

I don't hope that he fails!  I truly don't!  But I'm scared of what's to come.  What he will tweet.  What decisions he will make.  What decisions his cabinet will make.  Because those decisions affect us all.  They affect our children's educations.  Their futures!

I've truly never been a political person.  I've voted in every Presidential election...but I've just never been passionate about it.  I've also never been so compelled to hate someone the way I hate him.  I've never felt so at fear for the sake of our country!  I don't know what's to come, just like the rest of the country....but I can't shake this feeling.  The uneasiness in my stomach.  The pressure on my chest.  I feel it to the core of my being.  I want to reach out to those who feel the same way.  To those who need a hand.  To those who need a hug.  I want change and I plan to start working towards it now!

Just know, that I respect each person's choice to love who they choose.  Your skin color does not make you a bad person.  A woman can decide whether she will carry and birth a baby.  And I will go high, when they go low!  I will keep fighting for what I believe in!

If you too are struggling with this....I understand.  But don't lose hope of what we can accomplish.  Don't lose hope in the future.  Change can happen.  Stand up for what you believe!  Stand up for those who can't!

I will fight for what I believe in!  ❤